365 days. 12 months. 1 year ago.

 There are times when this feels like it has been ages and then there are moments where I feel so close that I can still hear the steady “pitter-pat” of his heart beat as I fall asleep snuggled up on the couch.

I haven’t shared much about my dad here in this little space of mine for fear of the exact thing that is happening in this very moment…tears streaming down, that knot in my throat and that “type… then delete… then type again… then delete again…” sequence as I struggle trying to find just the right words.

Sometimes I still wish that May 17th could be just any other day on the calendar for my family.

Everyone grieves so differently. I have always been a very emotional person, but until this week I could probably count on just one hand the number of times I’ve cried sobbed over the loss of my dad. I did not expect approaching the anniversary of his death to be any different.

But, we can now officially say that this week has not been my best. No one gives you a handbook on how to handle this type of thing! Poor BRS has dealt with his share of meltdowns and as much as I hate to admit, my attitude has been just….ugly. I was frustrated. I was stressed. I was sad. I was angry. I was exhausted.

It wasn’t until a conversation with a friend who has felt these similar pains of loss that I understood why “the anniversary” can be so difficult. As she put it, the one year anniversary can take you back to that exact moment in the most vivid way. The feelings of the season, the weather, the clothes that we wear all can remind you of that place in time without you even realizing that’s what is making those memories feel so alive again.

These memories are so bittersweet.

My daddy fought a long, hard battle with late-stage cancer.

He went to be with Jesus in Heaven on May 17, 2012.

He was just 46 years old.

He had more friends than any man I’ve ever known.

He was devoted to his family and worked so hard to provide.

He was generous.

He taught my brother and I the meaning of hard work.

He was a sports fanatic.

He had the kind of laugh that was contagious, one that still echoes in my mind.

He treasured my mom and loved her well.

He gave his life to the Lord and worshipped Him above all else.

Every part of my daddy’s life, his death and the way in which the Lord reigned through it all plays a huge part in my testimony and has completely changed the way I view each day.

I don’t just mean that I learned “to never take a day for granted”.  I learned by the most beautiful example that in each and every moment God is sovereign. And he makes all things work together for our good. (Romans 8:28)

If you’d ever like to hear more about my family’s story, please feel free to reach out and let me know.  I’m still trying to figure out how the Lord is calling me to share this story of His provision and am praying for His guidance in this. The way the Lord works in our lives is POWERFUL and GOOD and it would be a blessing to me to be able to share His goodness with you.

Even in this day full of heartache and memories, I want to choose joy. Will you join me?

-M.R.S.